The Five Little Ducks Blog

About five months ago I started writing the following blog entry entitled “Joiners”.

Some people are “joiners”; they get involved in everything and their lives are filled with committee meetings, volunteering and serving, baking for the latest event, running around frantically behind the scenes, and generally being busy with all that is involved with being a “joiner”.

Other people have good boundaries.

I dropped this philosophy of mine into conversation with a member of one of the two P&C committees that I am involved with. She laughed and said “so you think they have good boundaries? I just thought they were selfish and lazy.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “They seem happy.”

I am definitely a joiner. I ‘get involved’.

At this stage in my life, I attend choir on Monday nights, am attending a short course at the Conservatorium of Music on Tuesday nights, I am the secretary of our public school’s P&C committee, I am a member of our occasional care centre’s management committee, I serve on the worship team at church once every four weeks, and I am a room leader in our pre-school program at church once every four weeks also. Technically I am a member of the Pastoral Care team as well however I have only attended two meetings all year. As if all of this wasn’t enough, there are the therapies. Every Monday and Tuesday we have therapy appointments organised by Community Services which are supposed to support the placement of Miss L and Miss A due to the fact that I have struggled so much in fostering them. They have been put in place to be helpful, but honestly, they only cause me more stress as they have dominated my time and seem to reiterate the same messages; that the girls have challenging behaviour due to impact of early childhood trauma. Trauma, trauma, trauma. Please tell me what to do about that? How to stay patient? Any helpful strategies? Due to this frustration, I am now seeing my own personal counsellor as well. She taught me to breathe when I am feeling stressed. Breathe in. One, two, three, four. Breathe out. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

What has been going on since I started this entry?

Term Four was extremely busy with Mondays (my old ‘house cleaning day’) dedicated to a parenting program at Ingleburn, Miss L and Miss R doing kindergarten orientation, Mr J needing to find a new preschool place as our beloved Occasional Care centre was closing, volunteering weekly at the school to satisfy Centrelink’s voluntary requirements so that our family’s childcare costs could be subsidised, all of the various end of year events, having to prepare for Christmas… I think I had less than three school days all term where I had no plans or was able to stay home between drop off and pick up. The housework has constantly suffered and the clutter has built up. I have been out too many nights every week meaning that I was always rushing out the door and not present to read to the kids, sing them their bedtime songs or relax with my husband in the evenings.

I have felt exasperated, frustrated and tired too much. I was so sleepy in the evenings that I would yawn constantly during choir practice. One night I held my music folder up to cover my mouth every time I yawned and eventually I realised that I had covered my sheet music in lipstick marks.

I have noticed a marked difference in Mr J’s behaviour. The lack of home days has resulted in him being cranky and naughty. I struggle to get him to behave; he doesn’t sit to eat meals, he yells at me, is very stubborn, and I often have to bribe him to leave the house in the afternoons for school pick-up as he screams so much, desperate to stay home. Even taking him to church, parks or social gatherings has become challenging. He is happiest and calmest at home with the majority of the other children out at school. Mr J is very possessive of my attention and reluctant to share me or leave my care (as my poor mother can attest, Mr J has often screamed at her “get out my house!” Or when he has been minded at her house, he has tried several times to run away).

The New Years Resolution

I want to say “no”.

I want to practice setting better boundaries; instead of saying yes to every opportunity, I want to learn to say “I’ll think about it”, or even better, “no thanks”.

Between an emotional and difficult Mr J and a new baby on the way, I absolutely must have more days at home. I need to find a way to become less busy. I need to make my family and my home my first priority, rather than giving them my leftovers, always irritable and tired because I have exhausted myself overcommitting to things. Plus, without the flexibility of Occasional Care, it will not be so easy for me to attend and volunteer at all of the school events.

None of the things that I have been doing have been bad things. Volunteering, a parenting program, various therapies for myself and the children are all ‘good things’. Unfortunately too many good things in life can end up just becoming ‘clutter’. It is difficult to put good strategies into practice when the house is a mess, the children are desperate for attention and mum is tired.

Over the past three years, appointments for Miss A and Miss L have filled my diary; speech therapy, occupational therapy, seeing the child psychologist, home visits from the case worker and contact visits with their parents. There are no therapies in my diary for this upcoming year, except for with my own personal counsellor. With Miss L starting school, I hope that our lives will be more settled and less busy, with the girls just having a chance to be ‘normal kids’.

My goal to say “no” more often might seem selfish. Perhaps it is. It goes against the core of my worrying brain that cares about what everyone thinks of me or is concerned that if I don’t put my hand up, nobody will. However something has to shift in order to make our situation more sustainable and I am concerned that if nothing shifts, I will burn out, and I have nearly reached that point several times.

A couple of weeks ago, I spent an evening crying because I realised that due to being so busy, I had not made the most of my time with Miss R before her starting kindergarten. I will not get the special time that I could have had with her back. I do not want to make that mistake again. I want to slow down and simply enjoy having Mr J and the new baby at home, rather than being resentful of dragging along a cranky toddler and a crying baby to various commitments, or trying to make childcare arrangements.

I hope that my resolution to say “no” more often sticks, and results in a more peaceful year for my family (and a somewhat tidier house!).

P.S. (A public service announcement): Sometimes I will be chatting with someone and they will be mentioning a hardship in their life, then suddenly they make a comment like “but of course I can’t complain to you!” I just want to be clear that you can complain to me. Complain all you like! I do not own the monopoly on hardship. I am a very blessed woman living a rich, purposeful life, and I just happen to be going a little crazy at times… I am honest about my struggles, and I want you to be honest about yours.

Happy New Year xoxo