The Five Little Ducks Blog

Click- click- my thumb is pressing down on the button of our van’s electronic key, my hand outstretched towards the brass lock. I am standing at my front door, staring at the faded yellow paint and the silver door handle, wondering, why hasn’t it opened yet?

When what I am doing dawns upon me, a little voice in my head quips in a sing-song tone; “blonde moment!”

Over these past couple of months, I have been hearing a lot of voices. My thought life is not as healthy as it should be. Little weeds are popping up everywhere, mostly attacking my foster daughters and myself.

The voice sneers about one child, “she is so selfish. She will never change,” and about the other, “she is so stupid. There is something wrong with her!” Then there is the F word, aimed directly at the girl looking back at me in the mirror. Failure. (Is it just me, or does that look like it is spelled wrong?) Sometimes it screams, FAILURE!!!

When my children are fighting. When they are crying. When they are disobedient. When they are defiant. When they don’t want to eat. When my house is a chaotic mess. Failure.

This word makes me feel so small, so insignificant. It fills me with regret and makes me feel incompetent and ill-equipped for my task.

I know that I need to reject these vile lies about my family and myself. I need to stand on the truth. I believe wholeheartedly that it was God’s Will for me to take our nieces in to our home, and therefore the Enemy wants me to do one of two things; a) give up on them, or b) resent them. Toxic thinking will only produce a toxic life.

When we first met Miss A and Miss L’s former carer, I judged her quite harshly for her strict rules and cool manner towards Miss A. While I now have greater compassion for her regarding the rules and such, I still think her negative thinking and lack of warmth has impacted Miss A’s well-being (although this has made it easier for me to step in and take her place). When we first began communicating, she could not think of one positive thing to say about Miss A. Occasionally I email her to give her an update or ask her advice (the girls lived with her for ten months). Her responses always leave me feeling flat. Any problems I am having with Miss L she blames on Miss A. In recent emails she described Miss A as “the queen of whinging”, “the queen of temper tantrums” and “an excellent manipulator”. She has basically stated that Miss A is a lost cause and may never change, and reminded me that ‘you need to distance yourself from foster children’. While I definitely struggle with these negative behaviours, if they are the only ‘qualities’ I see in Miss A, she is unlikely to grow and change for the better. I see great potential in Miss A. She has the determination and drive to do great things and achieve anything she desires. She is naturally gifted in many areas. When I see ‘good’ in her, I make sure she knows it. I have told her that she is creative, thoughtful, helpful, that she has a kind heart and is good at sharing. I hope that when I speak positively into her life, she will claim these things for herself. As for Miss L, she is an affectionate, fun-loving child and I enjoy having her around. Neither of the girls has had an easy or normal start in life.

I am praying for the fruit of the Spirit to be evident in their hearts and lives; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

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I got up to this point about two weeks ago, and I haven’t written since. I wish I could say that with the power of positive thinking, ‘life is great! I can’t complain!’

But I can’t.

More to come.