The Five Little Ducks Blog

The New Year is here, and I have some resolutions. But first, I have a few things that I need to get off my chest.

#1. I often wish that I had the power to turn back time. Never more so than when I have overcooked food.

#2. I do not enjoy shopping or going to cafes.

What kind of a female am I?

Shopping is stressful. It involves making lots of snap decisions in crowded places.

Ever since quitting sugar, cafes have become very unpleasant for me. I do not drink coffee, tea holds no appeal. I no longer can have a hot chocolate or a Chai latte (sugar content). And of course, I cannot have a piece of cake. Which basically leaves water.

This makes me quite a disappointment to my mother and husband, both of whom are café lovers. They have trained Mr E and Miss R well in the art of enjoying a hot beverage in a public place. Of course if it is lunch time, I shall be happy because I still eat food. It is more the idea of going out for hot flavoured water that I find unappealing.

#3. Two days ago I walked past some young people attending a KFC interview. I felt jealous of them. Jealous. Of some kids who want to work at KFC.

I envied their ability to earn money, and their freedom to choose what to do with the rest of their lives. Unless I complete further study, I have no real qualifications. I cannot imagine being able to earn money or work for a very long time. And frankly, working in fast food sounds more fun than what goes on around here sometimes.

#4. I do not cope well with the sound of a crying baby.

The sound fills my head and sends my thoughts into a frenzied whirl of stress and indecision. “Attachment parenting” was my most utilised baby rearing tool with Mr E and Miss R because it meant that I did not have to listen to crying babies. Mr E only ever slept in his bassinet or cot a handful of times; the rest of his sleeps were in my bed, a sling or his pram. While I managed to get Miss R into a better routine, I was very responsive to her cries and spent a great deal of time settling her.

I am doing my best to follow a basic feed-awake-asleep routine with Baby J, and I had hoped that having so many children now I would find it easy to leave him to self-settle, but I do not. This morning I spent more than an hour trying to settle Baby J in his bassinet before letting him sleep in the Ergo (baby carrier). He has had the majority of his naps in the Ergo in the last two weeks. I am so glad that we purchased an Ergo and it is a blessing to have my hands free while Baby J sleeps, but baby wearing all day is not ideal. In some ways, baby wearing is more cumbersome and uncomfortable than being pregnant. Brushing my teeth results in toothpaste dribbled onto baby J’s head, and I cannot bend over to sweep the floor.

#5. I just want some space.

Every morning I wake up to Miss A getting into my bed, snuggling in as close as she can and talking in my ear. Sadly, this does not fill me with joy as I want some space from this girl first thing in the morning. We cannot make our room off-limits though because I like having Mr E and Miss R come in. I do not want to create a double standard between my birth children and my ‘adopted’ children however, so they are all welcome. Our bed is such a battle ground now, Daddy Duck is always kicked and shoved, and one or two children usually cry because they did not get a prime position next to us.

All day long, somebody wants something from me. I am all touched out! Even the shower curtain keeps clinging on when I am in the shower.

#6. I am struggling to stay positive and control my anger.

I do feel that in general, I am doing fairly well with staying calm with Miss A. As much as some of her behaviour frustrates me, I can also see that she is making progress. Sadly, Miss L is reprimanded a lot. Far too often is she the focus of negative attention from Daddy Duck and myself. I do not want to get angry with her, but I am tired of seeing her hurting the rest of the family, touching everything she shouldn’t touch, and endangering herself. She is so strong willed and seems determined to defy me. A few days ago she screamed at me, then I screamed back at her! I knew in that moment that it was time for me to leave the house.

A few weeks ago I was speaking with a friend at church about how I sometimes struggle with anger towards the children. She told me about a blog she had read where the author advised; “if you’re stuck in a tug-of-war with your child, drop the rope”. This was a reminder that I am the adult, so technically I am bigger and stronger than the children (emotionally and physically) and if I “drop the rope”, the tug-of-war will end. There have been frequent occasions since that conversation where I have asked myself whether a conflict was really worth it and my conscience has responded frantically ‘drop the rope-drop the rope-drop the rope!’

I absolutely despise being a grumpy, nagging mum. I have realised that I “pick” at some of Miss A and Miss L’s behaviours and actions where in similar instances Mr E and Miss R are shown more grace. I want to find the balance between showing all of my children grace and still guiding them towards becoming kind, responsible people. I want to be a good role model to them.

#7. I am angry.

Before Christmas I shared with some friends how I was struggling in my thought life with regards to my nieces. One of them commented that perhaps this was linked to any resentment or anger I have towards their birth parents. Until that moment, I hadn’t realised how angry I am at my brother-in-law and his ex-girlfriend. They failed their daughters.

When I supervise phone calls between Miss A and Miss L and their birth mother, I am so friendly. How two-faced I am! Under the surface, I have feelings of jealousy towards Mummy K due to the place she has in Miss A’s heart. I am angry at her for not making the changes she needed to make. I feel frustrated that she probably has no idea the wounds her daughters have because of all their time in foster care and the turbulence in their lives. This is not just a favour that we are doing for her. Raising her daughters is life changing for our family. When I considered the impact fostering would have on my birth children, I knew it would be difficult. I did not think that Miss R’s personality might be changed.

It is confronting to see photographs of the girls’ new baby sister on Facebook. She reminds me of Miss L as a baby.

I am angry at Community Services. So many times I called them, asking for contact with our nieces. All this time, we could have been building a relationship with the girls. They prioritised placing Miss A and Miss L with some other relatives, only to remove them from that placement.

I am angry at myself for giving up on getting care of Miss A when she was first removed as a baby. I should have worked harder. I should have fought more for Miss L when she was also taken.

#8. I feel undeserving.

What a murky place my heart is! Sometimes I look at my adopted daughters and I am overcome with love and affection. In that moment, I am grateful for the honour and privilege to have become their mother. If I were to lose them, I imagine that it would hurt very much. At other times I feel so irritated by them and I am desperate for a break.

I feel undeserving of the unconditional love that Miss A and Miss L have for me.

#9. I feel like I am failing.

I don’t know how to get my baby to sleep. My children do not listen to me. I don’t think they eat enough vegetables. My house is so messy. The washing piles up endlessly. Worst of all, none of the children ever seem to get enough quality attention from me. I feel like I can never be “enough” for them.

I want to be this beautiful, patient, creative mother, spending each day reading, baking and playing with my children. Standing beside them as they discover the world.

Instead I am… this. I feel like I am powerless and I have no control over my life or my house.

Now for my resolutions.

-I want to become a more gracious and patient parent.

-I want to make this family work.

I haven’t quite figured out the logistics of how to make this happen yet, but I am sure that as time goes by, we will find a way.

-I need to limit my negative thinking and embrace positivity.

This is a good life that I am living, filled with purpose, and I am so blessed to be surrounded by beautiful children who need me. A toxic thought life is unlikely to bear good fruit in the real world.

2015 was truly a massive year of change for me and Daddy Duck. We moved house, I finally got my driver’s license and we added three children to our brood. Everything is so chaotic right now, but when I imagine the year ahead and how quickly things will change, I know that I cannot wish today away. This time next year, Miss L and Miss R will be out of nappies, Mr E and Miss A will be getting ready for big school, and Baby J will most likely be walking, babbling and eating. As exciting as it is to think of how things will get easier in some ways, I also feel a pang of emotion; a reminder to cherish my children and my life for what it is right now. There will come a day when I no longer have nappies to change or children wanting to clamber into our bed for cuddles or a baby at my breast or a request for one more song. I may miss it all then.

Happy New Year, reader.