The Five Little Ducks Blog

Dear Naïve Prospective Foster Carers,

I see your comments.

Ads for foster care agencies regularly pop up in my Facebook newsfeed. The ads tug at the heartstrings; images of cute kids and happy families overlaid with the text “you could be the difference”, “he just needs 12-18 months of your time”, “open your heart” and “do you have a spare room?”
I am drawn to the comments sections on these posts like a moth to the flame. Without fail, the comments are always the same; friends tagging each other with love hearts and emojis, declaring “you would be awesome at this”, the remarks by people belittling the kinds of parents who would lose their children, juxtaposed with those who claim it is the cruel government trying to create another stolen generation. There are genuine enquiries, however most comments fall into the following category: “I would love to foster, BUT…”

“I would love them too much and couldn’t give them back.”
“I wish I could foster but I don’t have a spare bedroom. Why can’t they share with my kids?”
“I want to foster but I work full time. I could afford the best schools and give them so many opportunities. It isn’t fair…”
Oh, dear naïve prospective foster parents….
With your heads in the clouds and your hearts filled with dreams, your intentions noble and your hopes idealistic….

I understand you. I was you.

I was the naïve girl who had an abundance of love to give, who thought that love and stability were all that was needed to heal little hearts, who thought that I knew everything I needed to know from raising two babies and reading two foster parenting books. I was the one who thought that fostering would infuse my life with purpose and meaning, that these children would be so grateful to be rescued from the system, that after a couple of little bumps in the road we would all live happily ever after, an unbreakable family unit. I thought that my youth would be an asset, that it would give me the energy required for the task of running around after all these little kids. I thought that my own children were young enough to adapt and that they would all grow up happily together
All too often, I wish that I could hop in a time machine, head back five-six years and give my younger self a stern talking to (I only would have believed it from myself, and I am certain that the sight of myself, heavier, discernibly more frazzled, frumpy and toughened with tired eyes, stepping out of a time machine would have scared myself straight).

Common comment #1: “I would love them too much and couldn’t give them back.”
Allow me to be blunt. (Bleeding hearts will think my question callous).
How do you know that you will love them?
Right now, you love the idea of them. You love the idea of their cuteness and cuddles, the feeling of purpose, of giving this child a good life in a good home. You have this love to give, and your kind heart can’t bear to think of a poor unwanted child languishing in the cruel foster care system when you have a spare room.
But how do you know that you will love them? Not the idea, but the individual. The individual who pines for their real mum or their real dad, the individual who has a history of complex trauma, the individual who might have learning or behaviour difficulties and has a different temperament and biological make up to you.
The idea of this child is grateful for your love, time and care. You adore the idea of this child and cannot imagine ever wanting a break from him. The idea of this child hasn’t yet drawn on your favourite artwork, trashed your house, gagged on your cooking, said your daughter’s freckles are ugly, punched a hole in your wall, taken money from your purse or called you a bitch. The idea of this child has yet to deprive you of sleep, screamed so loudly that your ears ached, thrown shoes from the car, woken you at dawn with fighting, or made you feel powerless when she has run away from home and you had no way of stopping her. Your imaginary neat, grateful child, has yet to make you look neglectful when she has insisted on attending school with matted hair, a dirty uniform and no socks.
Do not confuse the idea of this child in your heart with the one who will actually reside in your home. In life, expectations rarely match up with reality, which is slightly disappointing when it is an underwhelming meal or movie but crushing when human lives are involved.

A note on the initial comment “I would love them too much and couldn’t give them back”; not all children in care will need to be ‘given back’- but all kids in care need to be safe and feel loved. The stories that you fear of falling in love with a child and having them taken away from you to go back to a birth relative- they do exist. Many carers get their hearts broken on a regular basis. But so do stories of babies joining foster families and staying for life, of toddlers who adjust well, even teenagers who find stability in their placements. If you truly have been called to love and care for a child that is not your own, don’t let fear of the placement ending be the thing that prevents you from trying in the first place. Whether a child is restored to their family or stays with yours forever, fostering will still be a challenge. Your heart, soul and mind will be pushed and tested, but if you can actually love a child and make that child feel loved- you will be on the right path.

Common comment #2: “I wish I could foster but I don’t have a spare bedroom.”

Comments such as these are usually followed by complaints about the injustice of a system that is crying out for carers yet is prejudiced against those who don’t have big houses. One woman stated “I wish I could foster but I got rejected because I live in a one bedroom bedsit.” Where exactly are these people suggesting that foster children sleep? On an airbed? The couch? The bathtub? While flexibility exists around foster babies being allowed to sleep in cots in their foster parents’ bedroom, it truly is in their best interests for kids in care to have a room of their own. Many prospective foster carers feel that foster kids should just be allowed to share rooms with their biological children. After all, they shared a bedroom with their sister when they were a kid and it didn’t do them any harm, why shouldn’t foster children share?
There is a difference between two children growing up with the same parents, in the same home, sharing a room from infancy… and throwing two complete strangers into the same room and expecting it to go down well. When kids share a bedroom, some fighting is inevitable. Light on or light off? Window open or window shut? Door closed or door ajar? Floor messy or floor clean? Room quiet or room noisy?
Due to our family culture (when my first two children were small the four of us lived in a one bedroom granny flat, and we have always been open to bed or room sharing) my biological children mostly enjoy sharing a room. There are still squabbles between my sons however, and I do remember that my younger sister and I didn’t peacefully share a room growing up. A child who has come from a different family culture to yours might not want to share a room with your child. They might be prone to meltdowns and need a space to cool down and unwind, they might go on trashing sprees, in which case, your biological child will be grateful to not be sharing with their foster sibling. While you might hope that your biological and foster children will become like real siblings, you need to protect your kids and understand that this will not be an easy adjustment for anyone.
Consider the times when you have spent a couple of days in close contact with someone else’s kids, maybe on a holiday or a sleepover. All children, no matter how well they get along, eventually need space from one another. I remember well having sleepovers and going on holidays with my cousin when we were growing up. She was my best friend and we had so much fun together. After a couple of days together the novelty wore off and we fought more. We were happy to not see each other for a few weeks. As much as I adored my cousin, living together would not have worked out well. If you still think it is a good idea for your children to start sharing a room with prospective foster kids, imagine how you would feel in their position. Would you like to become room mates with a complete stranger and expected to turn into best friends over night? Contemplate how the child in care might feel about being forced to share a room with your child (or even another foster child); they have moved into a new home with different rules and strange foods and forced to share a room with a kid who is clearly the top dog of this space, and because your intentions are good, this child is expected to be grateful. It is not going to be a harmonious start to a placement.

Common comment #3: I want to foster but my kids are too young.

This point is a natural flow on from the last one regarding the challenges of kids learning to live together.
Often there are couples who have one or two young children and the yearning is there to grow their family; they don’t feel like their family is complete yet. Some people entertain the idea of extending their families by adding on a foster child instead of having another baby. I remember meeting a woman once at a swimming pool who, having learned about our family situation, remarked “oh, that’s gotta be easier than having another baby! We should foster!” While some people imagine that adding in a fully grown baby or child will be easier than going through the hardship of 9 months of pregnancy and labour, others don’t want to bring a child into the world knowing that there are existing children in need of a loving home. This is a noble sentiment, and if the desire is still there when your children are older, then this path is worth pursuing.
It is a blanket rule across all foster care agencies to not approve potential carers who have young children. The only reason that we were allowed to take in Miss A and Miss L while our children were young (and I was pregnant with my Mr J) is that the rules are stretched for kinship carers (I have since learned that other rules were stretched, like my young age at the time and the small number of bedrooms in our house). New foster children should be significantly younger than your biological children. Some agencies will allow families with a two-year-old to take on young babies as this is less disruptive to the natural family birth order. Agencies want to ensure that the foster children will be well cared for, which they feel will not happen if your own child is too young and demanding.
From my personal experience, it is unwise for similar aged children to be thrown into the same house together. You might think that you will able to parent your own children and the children in your care equally, but this is easier said than done. Raising children who are close in age sounds like a good idea, but it produces tension and rivalry. Even in a household that is filled with siblings, children somewhat need to stand alone and have space to thrive without constant competition.
If you have read my blog before you might recall that my childhood love of books and movies featuring optimistic plucky orphans set me up with unrealistic expectations. Something occurred to me recently. The children who thrived in these stories won the hearts of guardians who had no other children in their care. Their carers had the space in their lives for a whole person who needed guidance, kindness and to be delighted in. Anne Shirley had Marilla and Matthew Cuthbert all to herself. Heidi’s grandfather lived alone on a mountain top. Daddy Warbucks had oodles of wealth but no one to share it with- and Annie sang her way into his life. Cinderella on the other hand had to compete with her stepsisters and lost. Harry Potter had to live under the stairs while his cousin was spoiled with gifts and treats.
Families with kids of their own who choose to foster can succeed and do; but it is best when they wait until their children are old enough to anticipate the unique challenges that their family will face, have the maturity to understand the psychological impacts of trauma on kids in care, the compassion to share their home and parents with others and the resilience to stay grounded in the midst of drama. Some families find it helpful to have teenagers of their own who become positive role models for the kids in their care, and their experience as mature parents is also beneficial. However, even teenagers and young adults can struggle when they feel that their parents don’t have time for them anymore and see the challenges that their parents are facing.
Many agencies are flexible around families with young children becoming respite carers. You can provide respite care for a couple of nights or even a week in the school holidays. This is the perfect way to test and observe how your children react to sharing their home and parents with different children and to decide whether it is the right time for your family to take the big step of taking on a short or long term foster placement.


Common comment #4: “I want to foster but I work full time.”

Different agencies have different requirements of new foster carers regarding employment. Some agencies require one carer to be at home full time, particularly if they plan to care for young children in short-long term placements. Other agencies are satisfied for both (or single parent) carers to have careers as long as their employment allows some flexible working hours.
As I am a stay at home mum, I do not feel entitled to speak on the behalf of working carers. Personally, I am in awe of working mums in general; getting my kids to school and back, doing the basic housework and shopping fills up the weeks with little time to spare. Being a carer is a job on top of all the regular tasks. Carers need to be available to attend training courses, regularly communicate with the caseworker or agency (sometimes being on the phone for an hour), filling out paper work regarding health and well being, transporting children to all of the various therapies, taking and sending photographs for the child’s life story work, overseeing the child’s respite and contact schedules, being available before, during and after contact visits (with all of its fallout), having home visits, PPL meetings with the school, and case plan meetings… the list goes on.
Approach different foster care agencies if you are rejected by one who requires a non-working carer to stay home with the kids. But be realistic about how you will make time for the kids who may enter your care. Kids in care will require a lot of your attention and energy and implementing therapeutic parenting strategies is time consuming. Consider the flexibility of your work requirements, the reliability of your support network, the availability at your local childcare centre and out of school hours care providers, and plan for how you will make time to meet the extra responsibilities mentioned in the paragraph above.

Common comment # 5: “She is so cute!”

Of all of the regular comments, these are the ones which give me an icky feeling and irk me the most.
“She’s so cute, wish she was mine!”
“What a beautiful child. I would love to give him a home.”
“She will be snapped right up for sure.”
“Is this child still available?”
The people who make these comments strike me as a tad clueless.
Firstly, it is clearly stated that the children in the foster care ads are not actually kids in care. The photographs are stock images of child actors. Even their names are fake. Secondly, in Australia we do not publicly advertise kids who need homes like ads for dogs on Gumtree. It goes against Community Services guidelines for children in care to have their pictures or any identifying information published. Thirdly, if you are going into fostering purely because you like kids who look cute or pretty, I suspect that you might not last very long. Being a cute kid is not an inoculation against being traumatised by being removed from one’s parents or being exposed to neglect or violence. Babies can be cute and yet cry inexplicably all day. Toddlers can be cute and have terrible tantrums. Kids can be cute and present with all sorts of challenging behaviours.
When the novelty of cuteness has worn off, what remains is the reality of the responsibility of daily care. Cuteness will not prevent a trauma-affected chid (or any regular child) from acting out in all sorts of ways which will leave you, the carer, scratching your head. Cuteness does not stop a child from rejecting you one moment and overwhelming you the next. Cuteness only lasts so long before tiredness and thoughts of “what have I done?” kick in.

In this fallen world where children are removed from unsafe homes, good carers are indispensable. If you truly believe that you have what it takes to become responsible for the daily care of a child who is not your own, then throw your rose coloured glasses in the garbage and if it is the right time in your life, go for it. Go for it wisely and humbly. Go for it with your mind open to learning from those who have walked this path before you. Go for it with the patience and strength to lay the essential foundations of attachment, relationship and trust, knowing that this will be an epic feat. Go for it knowing that it will be hard and your heart will ache, and you won’t always have the answers. Go for it, ready to stand up for yourself and your family’s needs, and prepared to accept help when it’s all too much.

Dear Naïve Prospective Foster Carers,
To you I may seem a bitter, old crone.
I am bitter,
I am tired,
I am worn.
I certainly do feel older than I did when I walked into this scenario a young hippy mum full of hopes and dreams. Being a foster parent these past five years has shaped and challenged me in ways I never thought possible.
Some people look at my family and say that while they had once imagined becoming foster carers, they would never do it after watching how hard it has been for us.
Prospective carers; it has never been my intention to put you off or to scare you. I do hope that you have heard what I had to say without judging me harshly. But I will not blame you if you do judge me, as I said- I was you once upon a time. My only hope is that you could learn from my mistakes and go into this journey with realistic expectations. For all the disasters I rave on about, there are times of joy also. There are times when you cheer on your foster child as they dance on a stage or run on a track, there are times when they accept your help and you know that you have imparted something useful, there are times when you laugh together, hug one another, when the strategies you put into place are working, there are times when you see them playing nicely together or growing in their friendships. Ultimately, there are children who for one reason or another, through no fault of their own, cannot live with their biological parents, and they need someone to care for them, to be their safe place, to stand by them.
If you are that person, go for it.