The Five Little Ducks Blog

It has been just over a month since Miss A and Miss L moved into our home. I am pleased to announce that we have survived. Hooray!

In one month, Duckling number 5 is due to be born. Wow.

Time for a progress report.

Daddy Duck: of the whole clan, my husband is probably struggling the most with our new family dynamics. I think that he misses the simplicity and ease of our ‘old life’. He looks tired all the time. He is really trying to stay patient and calm however he does find it difficult. I am proud of the way that he has reached out to some other men to say that he needs to talk about his feelings.

Mr E and Miss R: at the start of the placement, I noticed some interesting developments take place with the new sibling relationships. Mr E announced to me that he did not like Miss R (his birth sister) but that he liked Miss L “so much”. In the past few months the fighting between Mr E and Miss R had become quite awful, and Miss R was frequently hurting and upsetting her brother. As Miss L has revealed herself to be yet another ‘annoying little sister’, her pedestal status has shifted, and relations between Mr E and Miss R are at an all-time high. They very rarely fight now. Mr E has even had a few sleepovers in Miss R’s bed. They seem to know how to avoid pushing each others’ buttons and can play quite harmoniously. (There is a tip for any of you struggling with sibling rivalry; throw some new kids into the mix and your original pair will become bosom buds!) The most beautiful thing I have witnessed is my son and daughter taking turns at doing one another’s hair in ‘Anna or Elsa’ styles.

Mr E has proved himself to be quite resilient and is coping fairly well. He probably clashes with Miss A most; he now assumes that anything broken was caused by her, and he tells me that Miss A “thinks hitting is a good choice” and that she is “not a nice girl” and too rough. He also can be quite bossy, so we need to remind him that it is not his place to discipline the younger children, or tell them how to play. I think that his biggest challenge is that I no longer have as much time to play with him (I used to make sure to do some ‘special play’ with him most days of the week).

Miss R has settled a lot since the girls started at day care and has benefited from having some space from them and time with me. She no longer hits as much. Her personality has changed. While formerly interested in adult relationships, her world now revolves around playing with other children. She adores playing with her sisters. Unfortunately I think that she is starting to be influenced negatively by them and is becoming more rude and aggressive towards us. Her gross motor skills have come along in leaps and bounds; she is good at running and jumping. Miss R and Miss L can get into mischief together; tonight they ran away from the dinner table and began squirting water bottles around the house. When out in public, we are frequently asked if they are twins.

Miss A and Miss L: Where do I begin with these girls? I think that they feel very settled here. I had expected Miss A to be the “hard one” and was told by the previous carer that Miss L was fairly easy going, but as more time passes, this has all been flipped on its head.

Miss A does have some issues. She lies very easily. She, like Mr E can be very bossy and tries to control how the others play and behave (firstborns!). She cannot be trusted alone near the kitchen. She often commits small acts of defiance or vandalism in a way that I think she is trying to see what she can get away with. She frowns and whinges a lot. She can become possessive of me and I have to remind her that I need to be shared by everyone. (Tonight she told me that she does not want the baby to be in my tummy anymore. I asked her why, and she responded that she wants to be in my tummy.) Miss A clearly likes being here in her “forever home”. She is always keen to please me, so she responds fairly well to positive reinforcement and if I speak nicely and politely with her, she is quite receptive to whatever I say or ask her to do. She loves our bedtime routine of stories and singing. She is no longer bouncing off the walls in the morning demanding breakfast; she has followed my children’s’ lead and now finds morning snuggles in mum and dad’s bed appealing (the consequence of this being that morning snuggles is now a competitive race for best spot which is rather less enjoyable).

Miss L looks like a cute, sweet little girl. She is one of the most stubborn and strong willed children that I have ever met. Her “death stare” is quite terrifying. When I ask her to do something that she does not want to do, she is completely unmoved by a slow count to three or threat of a consequence. Her impulse control is very limited. Daddy Duck and I are becoming quite exasperated by her howling and crying at bedtime every night. We both take turns at sitting with her, patting her back, singing a song… but she insists on screaming, sitting up or getting out of bed, or laying down on the very edge of the mattress (we definitely need to buy a bed rail for her). We have other children to attend to plus a kitchen to clean and lunches to pack, so we cannot stay with her.

From what I have read, it is very normal for foster/adoptive children to reveal more of their challenging behaviours as time goes by. I know that her tears and tantrums must come from a place of pain and not having any control over her own life, but it is hard to stay patient. I have been pleased to see Miss L’s imagination improve and I enjoy watching her play with the girls, having good fun.

Baby and me: Baby is moving around and growing well. I feel sad for this baby, like I am already neglecting him. When I think about what it will be like when he is born, all I can imagine is stress and chaos. I love having babies so much, but I do not know how to combine my relaxed baby raising style with all the drama of getting four other children fed, dressed and out the door each day, not to mention trying to get the basic housework done and giving each child the attention they need (plus keeping my sanity intact).

My health is generally good, but I am struggling to find the energy to get through each day. I have never been so tired before. I need to sit down even to do the washing up or fold and sort clothes. Emotionally, I am doing OK. Sometimes I get so frustrated that it is really hard to stay calm. Getting each child to do what they need to do is not an easy feat. I feel like time does not belong to me. I am at the mercy of my children (all the while keeping up a façade of being the mum in control so that they do not completely rise up against me). I have so many feelings in my heart, it is difficult to express them all eloquently.

There are good moments. I love the enthusiasm that all the children display when they see each other after a separation, I love it when they are playing together nicely. I hope that I can eventually really enjoy being with these girls. I hope that we can make a real impact on their lives. I hope that the fighting will lessen and that the children will not defy me so when I ask them to get dressed or put on their shoes. I hope that Miss A and Miss L will be people of sound moral character. I hope that it will not feel like I have to get up for work each day, but that I can appreciate just being with my family. I hope that Mr E and Miss R will not hate us for ruining their safe little world. I hope that I will find the time to cherish this baby. I hope. I hope.